Feeling Lost, or, This May Be More Than You Want To Know
It's breaktime. I've stumbled across blogs of people either having to go through heartbreak or having to witness it. Things were once so wonderful, but now have gone oh-so-wrong. It's like some kind of woeful old country song. Insert your standard cliche here. You get the drift.
It got me to thinking about the relationship I'm in. She was once wonderful, and I mean "air that I breathe" kind of wonderful. When we had sex, it was like taking in a breath of the freshest air imaginable. We used to just hang out together and talk about anything and everything.
Three years later, we seem to find more fun finding fault in each other. I think it must be almost two weeks since we last shared any kind of intimate moment together. And (if she ever reads this) it's not because I don't "want" her (as she stated last night), because I do. But, more specifically, I want her as I knew her once before; and I'm sure the same could be said towards me. It also doesn't help that she seems so much more interested in other people. It makes me feel like I'm not wanted either, and that just compounds things for me.
For one thing, comments like her blatantly stating that I don't want her is a turn-off. I've said it before: attitude is very important. Another thing that drives me bonkers is when she asks me to get her something when she could very well take the 30 seconds to go get it herself. Or she will have just BEEN in the kitchen and ask me to get her something from there. She also likes to generalize, saying I "always" do this or that; or to put a different spin on it, she'll say how she always has to pick up after me. She has no clue how often I pick up after her, since I just do it and say nothing about it (which I guess I should).
So I find myself as the days pass focusing more on the negative, and wondering if I really DO want her. Then there will be times we'll just be talking and she'll say something totally witty and funny. Or we'll get into a play-fight (last one involved pillows, and thrilled our son to death to watch us). Glimpses of what I'd like more.
The more I think about how rare the good times are, the more I feel like I'm going to break down. Boys don't cry my ass. Wah wah wah sob wah. The last thing she did to really piss me off was we got into a play-fight near her computer and spilled her tea. Instead of "us" having spilled her tea, it was me. She reported it thus to her friends, that *I* spilled the tea. Took two to tango, hon. And I made comments in that regards, and how it must make her feel better to shift all the blame to someone else. When she pisses me off, yeah, it's more than I don't want her. I don't even want to be anywhere NEAR her.
And it's usually a couple hours later I remember the good things and wonder what the fuck happened. It's no wonder I feel so depressed so often, and why she's seen little attention from me in the romance department. Not coming to bed until after 3 AM doesn't help, either. Kind of hard to get excited when you're asleep.
Now any brain-dead monkey would automagically know that the person I really should be telling this to would be her. Easier said than done. One, I'm much better at writing something down than trying to say it while keeping all my thoughts in order. I try verbally telling her and I'll just sound like a blabbering idiot. Two, I'm more than likely to make her defensive, because I don't know where to start or how to be eloquent enough to express my feelings. I suck at it. Period.
I also know she spends so much time on the computer because she's depressed. Probably for many of the same reasons I am. So the cycle becomes even more vicious, and we both just mope around the house, instead of trying to find comfort in each other.
It fucking sucks.
I need to now go to the gym and work off this frustration. Bye.
It got me to thinking about the relationship I'm in. She was once wonderful, and I mean "air that I breathe" kind of wonderful. When we had sex, it was like taking in a breath of the freshest air imaginable. We used to just hang out together and talk about anything and everything.
Three years later, we seem to find more fun finding fault in each other. I think it must be almost two weeks since we last shared any kind of intimate moment together. And (if she ever reads this) it's not because I don't "want" her (as she stated last night), because I do. But, more specifically, I want her as I knew her once before; and I'm sure the same could be said towards me. It also doesn't help that she seems so much more interested in other people. It makes me feel like I'm not wanted either, and that just compounds things for me.
For one thing, comments like her blatantly stating that I don't want her is a turn-off. I've said it before: attitude is very important. Another thing that drives me bonkers is when she asks me to get her something when she could very well take the 30 seconds to go get it herself. Or she will have just BEEN in the kitchen and ask me to get her something from there. She also likes to generalize, saying I "always" do this or that; or to put a different spin on it, she'll say how she always has to pick up after me. She has no clue how often I pick up after her, since I just do it and say nothing about it (which I guess I should).
So I find myself as the days pass focusing more on the negative, and wondering if I really DO want her. Then there will be times we'll just be talking and she'll say something totally witty and funny. Or we'll get into a play-fight (last one involved pillows, and thrilled our son to death to watch us). Glimpses of what I'd like more.
The more I think about how rare the good times are, the more I feel like I'm going to break down. Boys don't cry my ass. Wah wah wah sob wah. The last thing she did to really piss me off was we got into a play-fight near her computer and spilled her tea. Instead of "us" having spilled her tea, it was me. She reported it thus to her friends, that *I* spilled the tea. Took two to tango, hon. And I made comments in that regards, and how it must make her feel better to shift all the blame to someone else. When she pisses me off, yeah, it's more than I don't want her. I don't even want to be anywhere NEAR her.
And it's usually a couple hours later I remember the good things and wonder what the fuck happened. It's no wonder I feel so depressed so often, and why she's seen little attention from me in the romance department. Not coming to bed until after 3 AM doesn't help, either. Kind of hard to get excited when you're asleep.
Now any brain-dead monkey would automagically know that the person I really should be telling this to would be her. Easier said than done. One, I'm much better at writing something down than trying to say it while keeping all my thoughts in order. I try verbally telling her and I'll just sound like a blabbering idiot. Two, I'm more than likely to make her defensive, because I don't know where to start or how to be eloquent enough to express my feelings. I suck at it. Period.
I also know she spends so much time on the computer because she's depressed. Probably for many of the same reasons I am. So the cycle becomes even more vicious, and we both just mope around the house, instead of trying to find comfort in each other.
It fucking sucks.
I need to now go to the gym and work off this frustration. Bye.
posted by xanadian at 11:28 AM
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