Saturday, March 19, 2005

Am I mad, bad or both? (Follow-up)

Okay. I doubt many will read this blog, but if you read what I have written just below, please comment. Constructively, or not at all, however. If you agree with David Icke (GO FIND HIS BOOK, it's on PDF. If you can't, contact me and I'll e-mail it to you), say so. If you think I'm nuts, tell me why. I honestly believe I am here to start a discussion on this, even help find like-minded people that will form what will ultimately result in a "think tank" on what it means to truly exist as an extension of God. Do you want to be part of this "think tank"? Let me know. Will I *lead* it? Pshff. That, automatically, would impress restrictions on what is said and discussed...or, at least, run the chance of it. Besides, even though I feel I have achieved enlightenment, it doesn't mean that I'm an expert on living life. We all are our own leader. I think that's the point of Icke's book.

Anyway. There you go. You can post your interest as a comment, or email me at 'xanadian9@hotmail.com'. It may be wiser to post the comment, as I have my junk mail filter set very high (no, I don't need a bigger penis, thank you VERY much).

Am I mad, bad or both?

I know I'm jumping into this after only reading eight pages of I am Me, I am Free by David Icke, but just this eight pages, and realizing how things in my life have led me to this one point, has almost given me a brain ennurism (sp?).

Okay. Eighteen years ago, I started a book about a guy and some close, like-minded individuals who go into space and found a new society. I was fifteen at the time. Over the years, those fourteen hand-written pages (on yellow legal paper) have turned into (what will be) FIVE novels and two or three spin-offs. One of which currently is with the publishers (see this link). Fifteen years ago, I deluded myself (or not?) into believing that what I was writing WOULD one day happen, and a bunch of people and I would travel the stars.

Well, life went on. I got into the Navy, and other things happened. But first, my epiphany (Epiphany Number One). It's a journal entry I keep:

I am currently reading a PDF e-book called "I am Free, I am Me" (or the other way around). In it, the author tells us that we have deluded ourselves to thinking that we are "free," when, in fact, we limit ourselves by what impressed system our environment has put upon us. Fear and conformity: you see it every day. I've only read five pages of this book so far, and he pretty much has it nailed on the head. Now, I *could* stand out and NOT be part of the conformity, but it's more than likely I'll end up in trouble.

I do not condone the action that I'm about to talk about, but I'm using it as a precedence: there was a man. He saw an "evil empire" and decided he should do something about it. He gathered a bunch of like-minded individuals, trained them, and sent them on their mission. Nobody really knew of this man at this time. Then, nineteen of his followers crashed four planes into the country.

I speak of Osama bin Laden. We Americans have most definitely labelled him as either "mad", "bad" or both. He is currently the face of evil not only to Americans, but now even to many Muslims.

There was another man. He was born a LONG time ago. He saw that the system was corrupt and decided he should do something about it. He gathered a bunch of like-minded individuals, trained them, and sent them on their mission. Not many knew of this person at the time. Then, he ransacked a temple, partied, defied authority, and preached in a way converse to common belief. And he got nailed to a tree.

I do NOT speak of Osama bin Laden. I speak of Jesus Christ. Here is a man--no, a Son of God--who was one of the FIVE PERCENT that see something is fucked up and do something about it. For his audacity, he got nailed to a tree. And became an icon for billions of people throughout recorded history. Those who truly have an ear will hear what the Spirit says to the masses. Not what the preachers say to the masses. They are (as the author of the aforementioned book said) the ones who enforce fear and conformity on all of us by preaching sin and eternal damnation. Sure, Jesus said that if you do this and that, there will be wailing and gnashing of teeth. He wasn't saying it to scare us: he was warning us that every action has a reaction. He did a lot of things in his time, and when he was nailed to the cross, there was wailing and gnashing of teeth. He was NOT "mad", "bad," or a combination of the two. At that time, the religious leaders painted him as a face of evil, and the average Jew believed it.

He was the fucking Son of God!!!

Now, I'm not saying Osama is the Second Coming. There's a difference between preaching change and wisdom, and taking thousands of lives in the name of an angry God.

Anyway, back to my main point. We are all controlled by religion and government, and if we dare step out of line, we are either sent to jail or the nut house. This is wrong. There SHOULD be rules to make sure we don't hurt other people, and that there is some order (because humans, by nature, can be very cruel); but to repress free thought and free action (as long as it harms no one) is wrong.

How do you fix that?

YOU CAN'T. This world of ours, our planet Earth, is locked in this trap, and only a major cataclysmic event (or the return of our Lord and Savior) will fix this.

Or...

...This is where I had my epiphany...

...Xanadu.

What if fifty (or a hundred) people went and found a NEW world, colonized it, set up "rules" that protected the right to be truly free, then went to bring new people to this new civilization and trained them to be WHO THEY CAN REALLY BE.

What if.

I get this wierd feeling I really am being led down a road here. I dream of space. I go through hell, which tears down my current belief structure. I find this book. And so forth. Is it coincidence? Is it all in my head? Only God knows.


Deluded, still? Maybe. But I am a person who believes in synchronicities, and as such... well, here's the next entry, made only three minutes later:

So I asked for a sign and damned if I didn't get one. "Clarity" -> "Xanadu" (songs played), just when I asked. It became very clear what my mission is.

I must be like Jesus. Holy Crap! I must be Christ-like IN EVERY WAY, SHAPE AND FORM! I must now preach the Road to Xanadu, and what it entails. And I see this book I am reading now as the stepping-off point. How do we get there?

I'm really beginning to believe that May 22, 2005 WILL happen. Maybe not on May 22, but soon. I have to put this message out to the world while there is time. And, there isn't much of it. Will my word light the world on fire? Is this what I saw in TDIQ (The Dream In Question--a quasi-apocalyptic dream I had when I was four years' old)? Something way back when made me think this, in regards to my book.

I have become galvanized.

If I hadn't admitted I was gay... if I hadn't moved to Florida to that ass-crap job... if I hadn't moved to New York on a lie to myself and from Nathan... if I hadn't jumped into a relationship with Amber... if I hadn't just left home like I did this past Tuesday (despite the emotional cost)... I WOULD NOT HAVE HAD THIS ENLIGHTENMENT! This, alone, blows my mind. All my mistakes have led me to my Calling, and God has spoken to me at last. Very. Loudly.


Using David Icke's first chapter (and what he says therein, go read it sometime!) as an analogy, I shall be that nail, even if I am the first to be struck. I'm not sure where the road leads from here, but I realize that even if I don't go to space with a like-minded few, this wisdom needs to be spread, regardless.

We need to stop bullshitting ourselves.

Disclaimer: I am NOT purporting to be Jesus Christ! It does, however, say in the Bible to be more Christ-like; hence, my statement above. I know who I am. Do you?

I really need to stop reading cnn.com...

The link here leads to an article about a brain-damaged woman who had her feeding tube removed so she can starve to death.

So now comes the Word of the Week, and there are two of them, actually: disgusted and hypocrisy. What the hell were these people thinking? It's okay to remove a feeding tube from a vegetative patient so they die ... well, horribly; but GOD FORBID you try to give someone a peaceful death (i.e. euthanize), and you go to jail for MURDER!

Now, just like I had to do in elementary school, I am going to use the Words of the Week in a sentence: I am DISGUSTED at the HYPOCRISY of our nation's lawmakers--and sometimes people in general. Really, there aren't words to describe my outrage at such stupidity. What the hell were these people ... oh, wait. I already said that. If they REALLY want this woman to die, then get Kevorkian out of prison and fucking PUT HIM TO WORK! It's ten times better than starving the person to death! What the HELL were these people thinking!?

Rrrrghh!!! (punches wall)

Word of advice: If you don't have a living will, GET ONE NOW! If I were in a persistent vegetative state, I'd rather be euthanized than starved to death. But then again, I wouldn't want to be party to someone committing murder...

Friday, March 18, 2005

Wow, what a week. (March 12-18, 2005)

This week sucked. I can't put it any more succinctly.

I don't know if I mentioned in too much detail how my home life has been lately; but I had to make a change this past Tuesday (the Ides of March, how ironic). I left home to stay at my father's (temporarily). I was tired of being treated like garbage; and I deemed it unhealthy for my mental health, as well as for Ian's well-being. So I had to leave. Unfortunately, it meant leaving Ian, also, which is what made this week suck ass in ways I can't even begin to describe. I love that little monster, and I hope and pray that his mother stops playing that computer game morning, noon and night. Ian not only needs but DESERVES all the love and attention he can get.

I haven't been totally blameless in this case, either; but at least I spent MORE time with him than his mother. I took care of both him and his mother, and yet she would still boss me around and shoot barbs at me. My doctor, his nurse, and others ALL agreed that this was unhealthy for both me and Ian.

Sigh.

There's not much more else to say. I've been rating the days (sometimes, anyway); therefore, I give Tuesday a big, fat "1". It sucked ass.

Oddly enough, though, I've felt less stressed. I haven't snapped at anything since Wednesday (I was still bitchy Tuesday night). So that must be a good sign.

All right, that's all from my end. The Song of the Week is "Whip It" by Devo. Fitting. But what a cost.

Monday, March 14, 2005

Caution: Venting Ahead

I have never been so sick and tired in my whole life. I have a college degree, three-plus years as a Naval officer, over four years of (sproadic, unfortunately) experience in the IT industry, an IQ (allegedly) of 144...

...and all I'm good for is scrubbing toilets and sweeping floors. WHAT THE FUCK?! I am tired of having no money. I am tired of feeling shit on. I am tired of my shrink telling me things will get better, while not giving me any really useful information. I am tired of not knowing what to do about my situation (other than all the things I've tried already). I am so tired of being the giver. I want what's MINE, and I want it NOW! Gimme!! Money? Gimme. Dignity? Gimme. A sense of purpose and fulfillment? GIMME!!

Oh, and what really gets me are the looks I get when someone hears I'm on General Assistance (rent assistance, for which I have to do all the toilet-scrubbing to pay it off). What the fuck you looking at, asshole? This could be YOU doing this someday. And may you live in interesting fucking times, just like me.

Man, I am *this close* to blowing my top at someone. Hopefully I don't end up in jail when it happens. I am not a violent person, but all this crap is building up within me; and me being the nice little doormat that I am, am trying to suppress it so I don't come off as being whiny or something (not like this post doesn't do that job for me).

Well, the time has come to look for jobs, and follow up on applications. My job follow-ups will be by email only, because I'm afraid that right now, if I were to talk on the telephone, I'd come off as a real prick.

For the rest of you out there: don't take any shit from anyone. Everyone deserves so much more.

Pissed...

Off!

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Mark my words...

I don't know how many of you are keeping up with current events, but there are two things going on in the US (one in the world) that, combined, make a recipe for disaster. Here they are:

1. Soaring oil prices
2. Tougher bankruptcy legislation

Okay, you say, you can understand how high oil prices can help depress the economy...but making it harder for people to declare bankruptcy??? That's silly, you may say.

Or is it?

Think like this: you are a consumer with credit cards. No significant debt yet, and you have a job. However, with the economy the way it is now (and with oil prices on the move, it could get worse), there's a good chance your job could either become redundant, get moved overseas, or just go away altogether (i.e., the company you work for goes under). Now, are you willing to take the risk of building up credit card (or any) debt under these circumstances, if you KNOW there's no "safety net" (i.e. bankruptcy) should you hit the financial "skids"?

Of course not.

So, what happens then? You spend LESS. Less spending means less money going into retail, which drives about 1/3rd of the GDP. That, coupled with soaring oil prices, could spell ...well, maybe not *disaster*, but it could cause severe damage to the economy. Could it start our slide into the next Great Depression? Who knows. I do, however, believe in the Domino Effect. Having had to go through bankruptcy myself (about $20k in debt, then no steady job for ... about three years now), when I get back on my feet, I intend to squirrel away as much of my money as possible. Screw retail.

What if a vast number of Americans take the same approach?

Passing the bankruptcy bill as-is (which the Senate did) is borderline dangerous. I saw on a news report that about 10% of bankruptcy cases are from abusers of the system (i.e., they rack up a large debt knowing they'll file). The other 90% get screwed. But, as I predict, if consumer spending drops because of fear of not being able to get out of debt, there will be some (as I heard on "Wayne's World" once) "dutch door action." Sure, there should be more reforms. They SHOULD make it harder to file a SECOND time. That would reduce abuse, and allow for otherwise responsible citizens to have that second chance in case everything (financially) falls apart.

But I guess it's too late now. The credit card companies are screaming they're losing millions of dollars through all the bankruptcies.

How much will the credit card companies lose if people stop using their cards altogether?

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Update on Voyage to Xanadu...

All further information on the publication of my novel can now be found at the Voyage to Xanadu - Release Info page, including the excerpt from the manuscript. Do NOT use Warez, because you may not get the excerpt that way. It is unreliable.

Enjoy!

Friday, March 04, 2005

Week of 2/26 - 3/4

Quick breakdown of the week:

2/26/05 - Nothing Happened, except the server on which I play my game decided to be down almost all day. No biggie. Today was a "6" again...

2/27/05 - Had a confrontation with a friend/roommate/ex. She decided to take an imperious tone to me when I questioned what she was asking me to do. I don't take well to that, so, shaking with anger, I took our son to see his grandmother and give myself a cooling-off period. Outside of the fact that the confrontation really pissed me off (understatement), it gave me time to reflect on what was important and I realized a few things. That, in turn, gave me a strange sense of peace and clarity. I gave the day an "8" because of that.

2/28/05 - Spoke with my doctor/counselor/whatever about the previous day's events. He told me that I need to be looking out for Number One (me), because my son would pick up on my misery, and that in turn would negatively affect him. So, that night, I was ordered once again to make dinner, and I effectively said "No." An "8".

3/1/05 to 3/2/05 - Nothing of extreme importance. "6".

3/3/05 - Swallowed my pride and went to the town to get general assistance to help pay rent. Since I had been out of work for 2 1/2 months, they gave me most of the rent money (as much as the State would allow) and next month's light bill, which I did not expect. Consequence: I have to work in the highway department's garage in town for 80 hours for the month. Personally, that's not a bad trade. "8".

3/4/05 - Nothing. "6".

I have no song for this week.

Can't wait any longer???

Okay, I've been waiting to hear what progress the publisher has made with my novel. I haven't heard word one. Therefore, I submit for your approval, a "teaser". All you have to do is the following, and you will get a whole chapter from Voyage to Xanadu - Book One:

1. Download "Warez." It's a person-to-person (P2P) file sharing utility. You can search on Google or wherever to find the download site.
2. Install "Warez" using all default settings (this will make it easier).
3. There will be a series of buttons below the main menu bar. The second from the left will say "Search." Click that button.
4. In "Search for files containing text:" type "Voyage to Xanadu."
5. Wait.

Eventually, it should come up in the search pane on the right side of the program window. Just right-click on the title and select Download. It will eventually download into a shortcut-folder (that should be on your Desktop, as long as you used all default settings during installation of "Warez." If you have Microsoft Word, or anything that can open a "Rich Text Format" document, open it up and enjoy.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Wow! I'm famous! (not really)

So, recently, I went looking for a job. I came to this website and ...

Well, needless to say, I stayed on long enough to laugh at it and report it to the "authority" on proper web design. And here it is. My website entry got the Daily Sucker! (Look for March 3)

Ahhh... my 15 microseconds of fame. Or 15 kilobytes. Aw, forget it.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Dammit I want the final proof to my book!

Grrr!!! The publishing process takes way too long.

The most recent judicial nominee is...

This was found on cnn.com.. This is one of the guys who decides who can become a federal judge. Do you think he should cut down on the lemons?


"Senator Fish Face"

If you're bored, suggest your OWN caption for this picture. The winner of the best caption gets ... well, you don't get anything. But you'll be a winner!